Marriage

Vocal Death Wish

This blog is inspired by my Husband – a man whose mussy (mouth according to my husband’s Mother – but interestingly, also slang word for a gay male’s ass in the Urban Dictionary – same diff?) sees him spending a lot of time skating on very thin and often expensive ice!

Can’t Keep it Buttoned

His mouth has been getting him into trouble since our beginning, so much so it has its own identity within our relationship – its imaginatively called ‘Mouth’! Initially,  when it spun me reams of golden bullshit to entice me – the truth always ‘outs’ in the end! And more latterly and currently, when it just can’t help but say what it shouldn’t – usually for comedic effect BUT always at my expense.

Valuing My Feelings

To keep ‘us’ balanced,  I reap my revenge in the form of enforced jewellery buying. Unfortunately for him, I can’t go cheap because I’m allergic to anything that isn’t solid gold.  I quickly learnt that hitting him in the wallet was the only way to make him learn from his mistakes.

Everybody Wins

Don’t get me wrong, we both benefit from our process!  He gets forgiven and to ‘appear’ romantic (which he really isn’t) and I get to satisfy my inner magpie; plus we both subscribe to the Jewish notion of keeping a third of your wealth in gold. Or do we? Perhaps, I’ve just projected that!

Fate’s Humour

I’d say our meeting was fated, not by the Gods but by Crusty the Clown. One of my sisters had tried to introduce us a few years beforehand, but I’d refused on account that he wasn’t spiritual enough.

False Description

At the time, she had described him as a metro sexual, very in touch with his feminine side and a lover of shopping; basically a bit gay – which ironically was not that off-putting though I wasn’t that keen on the shopping part!

Accidental Meeting

It was therefore by accident that we eventually met, I’d gone to meet her at a pub and he was there too. Moments before I’d walked through the door, I’d just finished a short fling with someone else – an emotionally volatile, very intense, ‘spiritual’ character.

Surprisingly In Tune

I liked him upon first sight but given my very recent break-up,  was cool upon discovering from my Sister that he had a girlfriend. This meant I could immediately relax, ignore that I found him attractive and chat without worrying about how I was coming across. We seemed to get on extraordinarily well and he came across as surprisingly in-tune with my perceptions, spirituality and ambitions for Life.

Courting Bullshit

Long story short,  he quickly finished with my predecessor, we got together, moved in, got married and had kids. During all these highly stressful experiences, I’ve discovered that a number of the things I was told about him or by him are complete bolloxs!

Beginning & Ending with Derek Acorah

Firstly, and most importantly, he is not in any way shape of form, spiritual! Yes, he likes to watch ghostly things on TV but that’s where it begins and ends . He wants me to show him a ghost before he’ll commit, which is about as spiritually puerile as you can get!

The Price for Lies

When this came to light, my spiritual beliefs are very important to me and I was always clear about that, his nonchalant response was ‘oh yeah I just said anything to get into your knickers?!!!’ This was a big blow but made bearable through the purchasing of some expensive jewellery and his promise to let me take future control of all spiritually related matters…..He’s had to invite his Family and Friends to his pagan wedding and subsequent pagan celebrations…without complaint!

A Natural Tramp

Secondly, it transpires that my ‘shopping loving’ husband in fact couldn’t hate it more?! Trying to get him to buy new clothes is excruciating; I either do it Myself online or drag him kicking and screaming into a shop we’ve stumbled upon whilst we’re ‘away’- it has to be done on the spur of the moment. He is never ‘in the mood’ as he persists in telling me, so it always involves a lot of threatening and fighting.

Dirty Bastard Donkey

My Husband is as stubborn as a donkey, his Mother once sagely advised that if I wanted him to do anything I had to metaphorically kick him really hard – it’s true! Once we find something I like and he generally isn’t sure about because quick decisions aren’t his thing, he wears it until it disintegrates?!  I literally have to peel it off him to even wash it….apparently just like his Father and worryingly just like our daughter; I’ve had to explain on more than one occasion, changing socks and pants is a daily affair….I won’t say to which of them!

Deceiving Appearances

When I first saw his flat it was immaculate, I was quietly delighted to have found a man whose cleanliness levels matched my own. However, and of course, that turned out to be the first and last time I saw it that clean.  It wasn’t long before some appalling washing/drying machine practices materialised and upon closer inspection I discovered the cupboards were rammed with screwed up dirty and clean clothes.

Bogged down by Details

It’s not that my husband can’t clean, he is actually brilliant at it due to his incredible attention to detail, it just takes him days because he’s so bloody thorough. This drive for perfection not only eats up a ridiculous amount of valuable time, it makes him unbearably grumpy. Therefore it’s just simply not worth it – it’s the same with DIY – he’s brilliant but it takes too long and turns him into a xxxx (you can choose the insult you think matches best).

Alter Chauvinistic Pig

Luckily, my Mother advised me that you needed to be careful what you chose to take on at the beginning of a relationship because handing it back, later on down the line, is impossible.  So with these wise words in my head, I chose to ignore all of this until we moved in together and it became my problem.  My supposed ‘metro sexual’ seemed to possess a somewhat latent, misplaced, sexist expectation that I would do all the cleaning, cooking and washing.

Not at My Expense Thank You
To correct this gross error in judgement and set the right tone, I organised a cleaner, which he had to pay for, whilst I took over the clothes washing in exchange for relinquishing all D.I.Y duties. My D.I.Y standards are, apparently, significantly inferior to his – mainly I just want the job done I am not interested in a total refit.

Trapped by a Fantasy

The ‘rose tint’ quickly mouldered once when we moved in together! We’d never fought until that point, inconceivable now, we’d always been very rational and respectful with one another. Somehow sharing a roof on a daily basis destroyed all that and we’ve only spent the successive years committed to rebuilding ‘Us’ because the beginning was so exceptionally wonderful. Plus we’ve pro-created and we need to make it work for the sakes of our offspring.

Laughter is ALL We’ve Got

I’m, of course, as far from perfect as he is. Luckily we share a sense of humour, that’s what has kept us together.  I really love him and I know it’s mutual. We’ve both got strong fiery personalities, imagine our children….yes quite, and we don’t take each other’s crap. Our comedic love story would be entitled….The Feminist Vs the Misogynist!

Essential Oil Wisdom

Men usually respond very well to citric, mint and warm spicy smells, it helps to chill them out. My husband also loves YlangYlang, which is ideal as he has a high blood pressure and is the essential oil you want around to create a sexy, loving vibe.

When it’s particularly fractious between us, which is thankfully less and less as we’re slip into the middle years, I diffuse On Guard Blend, or peppermint combined with lemon or wild orange.

Buy Essential Oils

Like most things in life, it is not just a simple case of grabbing a bottle of the shelf in the supermarket, if you really want them to work. The market is unregulated, only 8% of the ingredient needs to be present to be marketed as pure. Thus, better to buy from a known source, like me, who is an authority and can give you advice and guidance.

I’ve done the research, and only feel comfortable recommending doTERRA Essential Oils, and no I don’t make a large profit on any sales, in fact I make very little. I would prefer to teach you all about Essential Oils and how to use them safely and well in a workshop. You can book this through my website and you can buy the Essential Oils here in my shop