Mental Wellbeing – The emotional fallout from death – two years on
D-Day
It’s precisely 2 whole years since my Father suddenly fell through the veil, I say fell because it certainly wasn’t his choice to depart and no one could see it coming! Or could we? I’d been expecting it for years given his obesity and fondness for booze, but had finally and ironically started to believe he might just keep on trucking. Literally, the moment I conceived that thought, off he popped; my life is like that!
Creeping Grief
I’ve felt the advent of this date for a few weeks preceding it, finding in amongst all my okayness little tugs of grief and anger. Grief that he’s no longer here and able to share in mine and my children’s lives, albeit it was more online than in person, but still. And anger about some of his decisions and the way he put himself and his second family before us.
Transformational Death
The latter emotions surprise me because his death was completely revolutionary and transformative for me and I’ve honestly made the most of the journey of grief I unexpectedly had to crawl through; it was deep, dark and very bloody. So, I thought I had it all sorted.
Flash Light
But it turns out, there are still some very human emotions lingering around under the surface that can’t be so easily reconciled, even after two years. Grief seems to rip off all the wrapping, leaving no places to hide emotions, it reveals the stark truths that can be hard to live with.
Death the Ripper
This is why families get ripped apart, which until you’ve gone through it, is very hard to appreciate or empathise with. I’m not sure if it’s easier for step families to disintegrate or complete ones, I fathom step might be easier to live with because you are not connected or obliged by blood. You no longer have to honour a connection made by another unless you choose too, it actually puts some freedom around these relationships.
Dirty Cash
And, you may have really loved these relatives, perhaps even liking them. But, this kind of cataclysmic event draws deep lines in the sand that there isn’t much return from, just a potential softening of with the distance of time. The culprit is usually money, its super divisive and emotive.
Jagged Little Pill
What’s interesting to me, is that when these little flares of anger fire up, I am disappointed and surprised with myself and them. I expect better of myself, more altruistic contemplations, especially given all the personal work I’ve done and my role in life as a healer. But turns out I am still really human and playing out Alanis Morissette’s Jagged Little Pill from time to time.
Ultimate Injury
Though, to be fair to myself, my Dad left us nothing bar a few personal effects, everything else went to his widow. Which, is pretty standard for intact families, but not for step. And, despite the fact that she is a fair person and will divide her will between us all, it still hurts like crazy. Why? Because it feels like another blatant reminder that I didn’t count, I didn’t need to be looked after or considered.
Pain Uncovered
Cue the grief storm, I actually burst into tears when I wrote that last bit, showing me how true this statement is to me. I would always want to give my children all the support I could, in my lifetime and afterwards. And this seems to be very much the case for all my friends, their parents do what they can for them, despite their age, this is normal isn’t it?
Too Late
Besides, what was his became completely hers and I want her to live a long and happy life, genuinely. Which means, that by the time she makes the leap, it will no longer feel like his gift anyhow, it’s too late because the damage is done.
No Intentions
There isn’t one single person who understands his decision to do that to his daughters, as in his biological ones, that I’ve come across. I also do not know anyone who has experienced this either, though I am sure there are and I hope my confession gives you some peace. My own Mother seems to feel like I have no right to his wealth, I shouldn’t have expected anything, but it is not about the gold it’s about the intention around it.
I Chose This
I know I chose my Dad before I was born, and yes I really, truly believe that. I chose to have a distant, selfish, harsh parent in this lifetime. Fuck knows what I got up to in the last one! I also know, that he was an important soul teacher to me and that I wouldn’t be me without him.
Forgiveness
I also know, that he did love me and he realised his mistakes towards me when he reached the afterlife and is deeply sorry. And, for the most part I have forgiven him.
Grief Year 3 Goals
Maybe I’ll have peace around this by year 3, something to aim for, nothing like a goal to a Mars character like me; I’ll be writing about that little gem shortly when I cover Medical Astrology and the wizardry that it is.
