The Language of Love
This Blog is written in exasperation with objective amusement about the very real realities of a relationship between two very opposite, strong headed individuals. Our language of love is not very Romeo and Juliet, more Tom and Jerry. I wrote this to support others out there whose language of love is more akin to a battlefield sometimes, which isn’t as bad a thing as it seems.
Couples Counselling
Our therapist, yes we have one of those, said we should learn each other’s language of Love this week and not continue to dwell in the bloodied battleground of unmet needs by expecting it to be the same one.
A Grown Up Choice
Just to address the elephant on the paper, and to ‘come-out’ as it were, I declare (in his absence and it has taken him years to get on the same page but he has) our respect for Therapy. Which, is an emotionally mature and intelligent process to undertake.
And not, as emotionally illiterate individuals like to claim, a sign of mental imbalance, weakness and general ‘nuttiness’ – which says more about their fear of ‘themselves’ than anything.
Undergoing Therapy takes real balls, staring into the mirror of self truth is a painful and agonising process but a must if you want a 4D quality Life. High five to all those who have been or are in Therapy!
Experienced Patients
We’ve had therapy throughout our relationship, in fact I think we’re the only couple I know who went to Relate before we got married! That was driven by my divorced background (parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins) and the strong fear of making a big mistake.
Opposites Just Fight
Subsequently, we’ve been in and out over the years because we’re polar opposites with similar trigger points (issues) – so unhelpful!
In Freudian spiel, I married a combination of my Dad and my Step Father with accents of my Mother (despite 13 years of therapy – just shows you can never escape!!!) and he married a combination of the worst of his Parents plus, according to him, characteristics he wish he’d had…at the time of course!
He now has zero respect for my gut instinct and his ‘autistic’ approach to detail makes me froth at the mouth!
Love is a Battlefield
Thus, the general mishmash of life frequently sends us into a full on game of Risk and occasionally Battleships; mood dependent.
As strong personalities, our issues have loud and fierce armies, so we need a professional mediator to help us hear each other above the noise of the battle. Plus therapy is cheaper than a divorce…just about!
Broke Our Therapist
Once, we almost broke our mediator, a battle went full throttle during a session and he was not impressed; both of our inner children got a strong dressing down and it was all very embarrassing.
For therapy, one needs to bring all of one’s parts but keep them in ‘adult’, so that a meaningful discussion can take place, surprisingly, quite hard in practice, especially when you’re us discussing our Language of Love.
Current Context
So this post was born from us trying to do just that whilst in the midst of our daily lives.. Some context for background;
Him
He’s transitioning through a major career change – he hates change but hates his job even more, he worships money above all else but has found that perhaps it’s not enough anymore. He knows what he wants to do next but wants all his financial ducks in a minimal risk, straight upward trajectory!
So he’s regularly freaking out with anxiety over the uncertainty of it all and this doesn’t manifest as vulnerability and come with tears but full on criticism armed with spears!
Me
I, having nearly resolved my persistent health problems, am up for change and new beginnings in the shape of my ancestral home, Scotland. I hanker after a less polluted life style in the verdant peace of Ecosse, away from the overcrowded, resource poor, traffic jammed South.
For me it’s easier to recognise we’re 2 strong, intelligent, responsible people who can and will make it work and trust in life.
However, I’m in the midst of the see-saw of menopause/menopression, which is compromising my ability to stand firm, accommodate his behaviour and not throw grenades back. I’m expending all my energy on simply functioning as a mother of 2 smalls, there is nothing left for him or anyone else! Depression makes you selfish by default!
Lack of Empathy
The following is an example of why we’re in Therapy again…
He felt it was a good idea to suggest, before 9am (I am at my worst in the mornings) and over the phone, that he move to Scotland first and do up a place whilst I remain alone in England, sell our house and look after our kids.
If I were not in the midst of ‘menohell’ and awaiting another operation this might be an option, basically if I were someone else, but it’s absolutely not… at this point and over the phone!
Black & White
When I said it would have been a good idea to discuss this face to face he told me he didn’t have time?! Errrr, this is a fucking major change in our lives we’re discussing! And apparently because I didn’t jump at his wonderful suggestion, I am making our move to Scotland impossible and so he’s not coming!!!
Taking it to a Safe Space
After a lot of touretting we agreed to discuss this salient matter at Therapy. Thank god we have this safe space to meet as adults because this preceding change is violently shaking our issue trees and thus we’re both spending a lot of time in ‘child’ waging war on each other. Basically neither of us is behaving very well but we are trying in the safe and expensive confines of therapy!!!
Relationships take Hard Work
I guess this is what we’re all told, relationships take a lot of hard work and effort. It’s hard to appreciate what that means sometimes and certainly from the outside.
There is no Perfect Timing
Timing is often shit, perfect timing is bit of a myth. And life is about taking risks in the pursuit of happiness, which is a state of mind. Blah, blah and blah…
We Share a Sense of Humour
Luckily, a move to Scotland can facilitate the career change he really wants so we’re on the same page about that fundamental detail – though for different reasons. And we share a sense of humour, giggling with childish glee – according to our therapist, over whom has given the wittier repartee!
Update: We didn’t move, he got the fear – we just spent 18 months moving house and now we’re living through him normalising that!
Essential Oils for Fights & Romance
When it feels like your heart has been ripped out and stamped upon, I recommend recovery with Rose Essential Oil. This is both calming and soothing and engenders feeling of self love, because everyone deserves to be loved and its safer to start on yourself.
When your blood pressure is going through the roof, because of one more pointless argument or because you haven’t been listened too again, I recommend a strong inhalation of Peppermint Essential Oil. This will oxygenate you and those strung up muscles immediately, ground you and give you sense of survival.
When your partner is male and annoying the shit out of you, for a variety of reasons, I recommend a citrus or a spicy essential oil. I like to bomb him from a distance with OnGuard, Wild Orange, Lemon or Cinnamon.
When you’re struggling to find reasons to remain in the relationship, again, I recommend putting a dab of Lavender in the roof of your mouth and diffusing it. Only do this with doTERRA or an essential oil you “know” to be pure – most aren’t.
You can buy all your essential oils and remedies directly from me.
Further Support
I recommend letting me read you and your partner’s birth charts, this helps to identify common ground, karma, potential fighting grounds so you can know where you need to focus your efforts for a smoother and more harmonious relationship. It’s all too easy to throw the baby out with the bathwater there days, but perhaps do this before you chuck in the towel, it’s a hell of a lot cheaper. I also offer coaching support and can do this for couple, just get in touch to arrange your free 15 minute consultation.
And, if you haven’t got that far, then I can advise you what type of partner will suit you best.
