I’m sure climbing an ice mountain in high heels would be easier!
A Very Real Struggle
This blog is going to be about the struggles I face trying to raise my kids, and as you can expect, will be excruciatingly honest!
Yes, I could get into trouble for this, but actually its got so bad I welcome any professional support, and intrinsically I know for some of you my story will resonate and help.
And although I could try to place the blame at Society’s feet, the reality is just that some of us really struggle with raising our kids and its been that way for a lot of people for a very long time, if not forever.
Spiritual Growth on Steroids?
It’s probably karmic, a choice made before a lifetime starts, for the purposes of spiritual growth. I believe that, but these beliefs aren’t keeping my soul warm or making this parenting journey any easier.
I spend a lot of my energetic time, (this means not noticeable from the outside but occurring within) on my knees, floored, pulling my hair out from the lethal combination of frustration, horror and deep anguish.
Thought I’d Prepped Enough
Before I had kids I put Myself through years of therapy, attempting to mitigate the troubles and strife I’d experienced growing up.
This gave me clear insight into the destructive circles that existed within my immediate and wider family, and the ways they had almost destroyed me.
Breaking the Family Cycles
And, I was determined to stop that happening to my kids and I remain determined to do everything in my power to break those vicious circles. Whatever that may come to mean, whatever I need to do, because they are my kids and I love them beyond myself. This also means sometimes I can hate them too, for all the suffering raising them brings me; such a fine line betwixt the two..hashtag keeping it real folks!
Power Struggle
The key phrase in the above paragraph is ‘my power’, because what has, keeps and does happen, is that my kids inadvertently press my triggers and despite all this understanding, I lose my power, sanity and ability to cope the way I want.
This sends me spinning back to what’s inherent, my anima, my default, and from there into a personal hell, fashioned from agonised guilt.
Shittiest of Cycles
This are the shittiest of cycles ever made, because I’m making them with knowledge and powerlessness against my own scars?! WTF!!!! There’s nothing quite like your own kid to send you to the depths of personal hatred and self-destruction…hence why so many of us resort to wine, gin, chocolate or drugs…prescription & non, to numb these excruciating reminders of our own short comings.
Laurence Channels Chucky
I’ve been triggered to put this out there by another shitty morning with my 5 year old son!
We’ve pretty much endured shitty mornings daily for the last 3 years, ever since he could get himself downstairs, which he does anytime between 5 and 6.30am.
My Health Reality
Please take into consideration at this point, I have this Joint Hypermobility Syndrome which makes me extraordinarily tired and need lots of sleep, I already go to bed v early to catch up but can’t manage to bounce out of bed with him at this time!
Morning Food Raids
He then proceeds, despite years of lengthy explanations, to help himself to whatever he fancies eating – even if it requires stacking furniture precariously to reach it and wasn’t his to begin with! Nothing is safe, he has no concern for the trouble he will get in, whom he will upset….it’s worth the risk to life and limb, the crime is worth the time…it appears!
Electronic Addiction
Coupled with this, and even more troubling as far as I am concerned, he has an addiction to anything electronic…the TV, kindles, laptops, Wii, iPad.
Again, please note that I have not given him any of the above, we have my husband to thank for all of these moronic devices. In my son’s ideal World, he would play on any device indefinitely, too much is never enough for him, there is no ‘off’.
Kleptomania
So he steals them, from wherever I’ve hidden them, and plays on them for as long as he can get away with…at least an hour…before he gets asked to stop. This ALWAYS leads to a terrible meltdown and a refusal to do anything he’s told…like get dressed for school, eat breakfast and so on.
Twisted Crystal
This twisted version of Crystal Maze, where on a nightly basis I hide the remotes/devices (which given how fucked up it feels should be called Crystal Meths), has been going on for for over 3 years.
Shared Jail Sentence
During these dawn raids, we’ve experienced all kinds of stealth missions, including commando crawling across my bedroom floor at 5am in order to attempt retrieval. This particular jaunt involved 3 separate attempts, despite all the warnings and shouting upon discovery, he just waited until I was asleep again each time and then continued, unfortunately for him he bagged his sisters in the darkness and couldn’t get passed the password.?! By which time, my husband got up and put an end to it all…which he doesn’t want to do on a weekend, after a week’s hard graft, but hey, that’s our shared jail sentence now!
Demented Goldilocks
So determined is he, that last Saturday out of pure frustration of not being to find latest hiding place, he started on our laptops like a demented version of Goldilocks….
He couldn’t get into mine because of my password, he wiped a major document from my husbands before he left his alone and then he broke the keyboard on his sisters….He’s had to use his Christmas money to replace the latter, because this is simply not cricket, and the last in a long line of similar destruction metered out on her seemingly more desirable toys???
Corrupted Logic
Why, we asked him? Apparently, it’s hard to get to the bottom of it, because he doesn’t have a lap top of his own! He’s only 5 FFS!!!! He also thought, if he broke hers she would get a new one and he could have hers?!!!! Commendably logical, but a deformed view of the World I don’t remember teaching?!
Finding New Levels
The above is pretty much the worst of what he can achieve daily, although this morning he resorted to biting his sister hard because she wouldn’t play with him when they were supposed to be doing chores!
And his response to being put outside, because he once again became immobile post telling off and refused to do anything, was to bash in the backdoor with his scooter….
The latter, again almost impressive, thinking to unlock the garage and get his scooter out to really make an impact , knowing that would send both his parents over the edge.
Over the Edge
Which is where I am right now, wondering what the fuck we did so wrong that has got us all to here?…..And has meant I’ve contacted his school, reached out to an excellent child psychologist, sourced out herbal remedies and of course used my oils on him to calm and support him. FYI, I also sat him down, asked him how he was feeling, told him I loved him and reinforced everything good about him before I dispatched him to school….I’m not unwise in my parenting, just terribly human!
Reality Vs Ideals
And what exactly do I want from my parenting Holy Grail, only to raise two well- adjusted human beings, who love and respect themselves. What do I appear to be raising, ‘Saffy’ from Ab-fab and Denice the Menace! Actually, if my daughter does turn out like ‘Saffy’, I will consider it a job well done.
Judgement & Guilt
Feel free to judge me as harshly as you like, it can’t be any harsher than I am doing to myself. Know, if you struggle like me, that you are not alone in this personalised version of karmic hell; And this above is mine!
Fine Line between Love & Hate
Emotions have 2 sides, too love so deeply and completely has an inverse side, it’s normal and healthy to host dark thoughts in the midst of parenting terror…..Just call for help if you feel the desire to manifest them.
And finally, asking for help is a sign of courage not failure. There is not enough of us asking, yet trying to muddle through at the expense of our own personal happiness and wellbeing. Thus further compromising our ability to deliver upon our parenting aspirations, sadly….I think parenting classes/support should be readily available and not as expensive and thus exclusive as they are!!!! Another WTF…this needs to change.
x
